There is nothing better than being a dad. Being a doctor and getting to help people is rewarding as well but nothing beats hanging with the little man and playing games or just making silly sounds and faces at each other. The only downside is that just as I feel this intense, unstoppable love for my son, I now torture myself with intense fear at times as well. Fear that grows from the knowledge that some people in this world are not people at all, but monsters. Unfortunately, I have seen pure evil acted out on people and worst of all children and I can never un-see these things.
It is not the death of these people that haunts me. I see death a lot. I diagnose it in front of the grieving family whose palpable will fills the room as they hope I am wrong and their loved one will rise to prove it.
They never do.
The family cries and I offer sympathies, oftentimes a hug, and a gentle rub of the shoulder of the deceased before leaving the room and blinking away any tears that may be forming in my own eyes before a med student or nurse can approach. It sucks. It sucks big time and I'm just this goofy resident who took care of this person but probably never got the chance to speak to them. This wasn't my father, brother, mother, aunt, wife, child, dog (threw him in there because I really love my dog).
Death is inherently sad. Resolution or acceptance typically comes to us all though. Some find peace through faith, others may find peace knowing that their loved one is no longer suffering. There is some sort of formula where the death happened because of X, and I can understand that X happens. Then comes the Y, which is what we do to deal with it. "They are with Jesus now and I'll see them again some day," or, "She doesn't have to hurt anymore," or, "It was just his time." If the manner of death can be rationalized or logically explained, it is much easier to cope and begin healing.
But what if...
X = he died after being stabbed to death by mom's boyfriend
X = she died after being shot randomly walking down the street at night
X = a stranger abducted and murdered her
How do we make sense of X when it is terrible? I haven't figured it out yet and there have been way too many unspeakable Xs, happening at work and on the news for me to process and the weight is making me crack. Couple that with the fact that my wife and I are now in the process of finding a good nanny for our son and I am faced with nausea inducing anxiety. The thought of putting his safety in the hands of someone whom I haven't met yet is just too much.
BUT, it has to be done, lest he becomes a weird bubble boy who's only friends are mom and dad...
The majority of people are good right? The people applying for these jobs are doing so because they love little kids and taking care of them right? It wouldn't make any sense in this world for someone to be so sick that they would obtain a job like this for the purpose of hurting kids. That is what logic and reason tell me. Logic and reason tell me that not everyone is a psycho held barely at bay, waiting to snap.
But when I close my eyes I see the lifeless faces of Xs that didn't make sense. The thought of what they experienced in their final moments produces a deep, visceral sick feeling and I can't sleep.
I'll get over this stuff in time and we'll find someone to help us out of our quickly growing list of applicants. Someone that baby and dog will both like and someone that makes my wife and I feel at ease. Then it will become the new normal and we will be cruising again...
Sorry for the depressing post, but just watch this video:
Dog Snacking
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